Get lost! (In a bookstore)
Bookstores and libraries are dangerous places. I can sink hours (and sometimes loads of money) just picking books off the shelves.
They are dangerous because of the wellspring of hope and possibility that occupies my chest every time I explore a new title. Every book offers a window into a way of perceiving and interacting with the world.
Each book tugs at my heart and/or brain in a direction I am (or was) interested in; current interests pull me for obvious reasons, former interests pull me partly from nostalgia, partly from wondering what could have been if I had gone all in on a different path.
Sounds wonderful. But this is not an ode to the wonders of reading; it is a sobering reflection on the dangers of ruminating and wanting to make ‘perfect’ decisions.
I am reflecting on striking a balance between recognising that the world is (somewhat) an oyster (for someone in their late 20s), and acknowledging that the value of keeping my options open is rapidly diminishing.
This crops up as I approach the halfway point of my 1 year sabbatical to pursue a Master’s degree. That decision, in itself, was taken to give me more options in charting the future of my work-life*.
The largely self-directed structure of the course leaves much** time for contemplation and reflection. My reflection sees me caught between an appreciation of the value of compounding and a fear that I am not compounding in the right directions.
For this write up, I will look at decisions that started after graduation, as that was the first time I made life choices unconstrained by the grades or paper qualifications I ‘had to get’.
Appreciation: I made some pragmatic investment decisions in the early days of my job (albeit starting later than I’d hoped, and wasting more money than I’d like) that have paid off so far. There is room for improvement, but my younger self didn’t leave me in terrible shape.
Beyond myself, I see my friends and peers reaping the rewards of decisions made 5-6 years ago. Career bets that involved further study (Master’s, professional qualifications) have led some to lucrative work, both in terms of financial success and/or time independence. Others took a bet on themselves to leave the relative security of a cushy job at a Fortune 500 company to take their incredible talents elsewhere and are now thriving. Yet others are choosing to commit to that very same stability as a foundation to build a life (it’s that age where more and more of my friends are becoming parents).
Some went off the beaten path, charting their own work-life stories. Perhaps it is more accurate to say they took a knife and carved out their own life in a way that I admittedly did not have the vision or courage to do. And yet, these paths still work out for them financially.
Fear: Despite all the evidence of there being an alternative path beyond my status quo, I am still hesitant to take the plunge into actively carving out the work-life I desire.
A big reason is finances. Financial stability is an important theme to me, so it is good for me to see peers veer off the beaten path (read: take on more risk than I’m comfortable with) and still do well, in terms of finances and general quality of life. What is incredibly telling is that I have plenty of friends who work hard, but these very friends are also the ones living hard - making the most of their time by creating experiences through travel and deepening high-value relationships in their lives. I can’t think of a friend who is pulling 80-hour work weeks (unless they actively choose to). Even those who do work at intense levels have the ability to pick their seasons of working intensely. This is something I’d be okay with, as opposed to the never-ending treadmill of long hours working for someone else.
I suspect it is ego and fear working together to prevent me from taking the two small steps back that would launch me into a work-life situation that I really enjoy. Choice of words are important here:
Steps back: I have to recognise that stepping off the path I am currently on could entail ‘starting from scratch’ in a new domain, something I am struggling to accept, perhaps due to ego or a fear of financial insecurity. My logical response to this is:
1. I have above-average competence for doing the things I say I will do. That is pretty much all you need to hold down a job (holding external economic factors constant).
2. I generally keep to a budget, and if needed, I can cut down on spending.
3. My aforementioned investment strategy explicitly includes a rainy-day fund.
Small steps: Even if I take a step back, it would not be the end of the world. These would be tiny steps rather than large leaps backwards. For evidence, I can refer to all the ways my friends are doing well despite leaving the traditional, stable path.
Closing off with why the bookstore is dangerous. The challenge I’m going through with my work-life choices, mirroring my experience in bookstores - there are too many options. The ego is fixated on making the ‘perfect choice’. I can spend hours agonising over which book to purchase or borrow because I recognise that reading that book is an investment of my time, so I better ‘get it right’. Similarly, my fixation on reasoning my way towards the best work-life outcome has ironically hindered my ability to actively explore and experiment with different modes. And just like in the bookstore, more often than not I leave empty-handed, too overwhelmed by the wide range of choices available and sticking with a status quo I’m not too thrilled with (no surprise that I dislike shopping without a purpose).
I will never stop loving the feeling of exploring a bookstore for the endless possibilities available. But for a serial ruminator and overthinker, there are times, such as these, where exploration needs to halt, and a decision needs to be made. If only to collect data on whether it is the right path forward. Because the time to commit is now - there are fewer and fewer opportunities to keep options open.
*Deliberately avoided the use of the word “career” for myself because of this Steve Jobs quote. It left an impression on me a while ago.
**Some uni mates will shudder at the mention of ‘having free time’. I thankfully do not have a fixation*** on excellent grades. I hope to rub off my negative influence on them.
***Who am I kidding, I am not entirely rid of the desire to not get bad grades. It leaves a mark on you after 16 years of being graded since kindergarten. But its weaker now.
Many tangents that can be spun-off from this essay:
Resource Management
* My relationship with money
* My practical approach to investing
* Views on risk tolerance
Meaning
* Carving a path versus fully embracing established blueprints for living
* Defining a good work-life
Work
* The halo effect of an effective company vs actually being good at your job